So we got a new iPhone. Oh, and a honking big iPad. But let’s get to the more interesting stuff.
The real news out of Apple on Wednesday is just how plain weird a large portion of the event was. We got luxury watch bands, Microsoft representing, a guy Photoshopping a smile onto a model’s lips (a move some have called tone-deaf) and a freakin’ pencil. Wait, make that “Pencil” with a capital “P.”
All the oddity combined to make the interminably long event much more entertaining than it had any right to be.
The Apple Watch update announcements paraded out like a fashion show with swirling leather Hermes bands for luxury lovers and rose-gold cases just because Apple can.
The watches and new colorful bands are designed to turn us consumers into a bunch of magpies, attracted to shiny things, desiring them in our grasps. I want a pink one and I don’t even have an iPhone.
Turning our attention to the big-screen iPad Pro, Apple led us down a cozy rabbit hole of Jony Ive-narrated videos (wow, that man has a soothing voice). The upshot is that the iPad Pro is the touchscreen MacBook Air everybody wanted in the first place, and it’s priced accordingly (starting at $799, £520, AU$1,140).
The announcement that made Twitter explode with jokes was the dramatic unveiling of the Apple Pencil, which, despite the name, is not a pencil at all. It’s a stylus for the iPad Pro. Even the Apple-loving audience laughed when the name was announced. Then, we all secretly fretted about how horrible our handwriting has become since computers took over the world.
Apple Pencil looks nice, but I lost the ability to draw or write anything by hand several years ago.
— Peter Rojas (@peterrojas) September 9, 2015
CNET reader Cristobal Bernal Jr. tweeted out his own homemade Apple Pencil, which no doubt cost a lot less than the official stylus’s $99 price tag.
— Cristobal Bernal Jr. (@cristobalbernal) September 9, 2015
The nuttiness didn’t end there. Microsoft made an appearance to show off Office on the iPad Pro, bravely stepping into the enemy’s lair for a moment of peace, love and understanding between rivals. An Adobe representative demonstrated a new Adobe Comp app for page layouts by auto-magically plumping a model’s blazing red lips into a smile, which may or may not have been slightly creepy.
We discovered the new Apple TV wants to turn us all into a gaming, shopping, Siri-loving army of consumers. The phrase “giddy goat” appeared in reference to a game and it has now become my new go-to phrase to describe a sense of excitement.
I learned a few things from the oddity party that was the latest Apple event. I learned I would like Ive to narrate my life. I learned that I’m unavoidably attracted to lustrous objects, whether they’re rose-gold iPhones or eye-popping Apple Watch bands. I also need to photograph cats wearing sunglasses and put them up on Instagram.
For a few brief moments during the hype of the event, I rethought my tech life. I imagined running down and buying the iPad Pro and all its expensive accessories. I longed to use Force3D Touch on my smartphone. I lusted after live photos (aren’t they also called Vines?). I dreamed of wrapping a hand-sewn Hermes band around my wrist.
Then, I returned to my world of Moto X, iPad Mini 2 and 2011 MacBook Air. They’re just regular silver. They don’t respond to deep, caressing touches. Ive isn’t whispering sweet nothings about them into my ear. And I’m OK with that. Deep breath. The event is over. Life as usual begins again.
See CNET’s coverage of all of today’s Apple news.