Breakup Rules

Breakup Rules

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Everyone has been dumped or dumped someone, but there is a formula for success in this game to make sure both parties survive the ego bruise.

Where was I when I discovered the trick to kicking the craziness that comes from getting dumped? I’m glad you asked. I was at the supermarket checkout, waiting beside the magazines. I seriously saw God in an issue of US Weekly. OK, it wasn’t actually God in the US Weekly; it was a tiny, pocket-sized book about dealing with breakups. I don’t know how it got there (my guess is it fell out of an issue of Cosmo), but I was convinced that this travel-sized self-help book was specifically there for me.

I burned through it before it was even my turn to pay for my discounted tortilla chips. I don’t remember much of what the book said, but what I do remember is that it used the word rejection about eight million times. A guy who I was working with had just dumped me. I knew the breakup was coming. In fact, after two years we had started trying an open thing, which basically just allowed us to start new relationships before we had officially ended this one. When we officially broke up I wasn’t surprised, but it hit me hard later. I wanted this too, but he made the call. I was rejected first. Seeing him every Monday night was torture. During the week, I felt focused and free. I rarely thought of him, but come shift time on Mondays, I found myself dressing up for him as though that would change things. Rejection. Screw it. It was then that I realized how much of getting dumped is just an ego bruise.

There Is No Good Time To Break Up With Someone, Ever

How many times have you heard someone who was just dumped say, “And on New Year’s, so brutal” or “How could he/she do this so close to my dog’s birthday?” Get real.

Dumpers: There is never a good time to break up with someone, ever, so when you know you want out, you should just buck up and do it. It’s far crueler to stay with someone out of pity, fear, cowardliness or laziness. While we’re on the subject of ripping the Band-Aid off, if you have been hanging out with someone long enough to need to actually break it off to get out of seeing him or her, then a text is not an acceptable method of communication.

Dumpees: Life sucks. Toughen up. You are not alone.

Take A Break

I once had a two-year relationship with this guy we’ll call Dale. Dale was an incredible boyfriend. He had manners, he was hot, he was driven, witty and he was a slayer in bed. It was only when Dale and I broke up that I realized the magic of not speaking and how it can save your life after breaking up.

Dumpers: Do not text, phone, email, Facebook, Instagram, tweet or communicate with the person you broke up with for at least half the amount of time you were together, or until the person you dumped says it is OK. And even then, proceed with caution.

Dumpees: You know what rules about Facebook? You can hide people from your feed without deleting them. This is what you need to do when you have been dumped. (While we’re on the subject on Facebook, never put your relationship status on there, seriously. It sucks when you break up.) You also need to email the dumper and say you cannot speak until you feel OK. The person will get it. Plus, he or she probably doesn’t want to talk to you for a while either. Ban yourself from communication and if you run into each other in public, say hello politely and move along. Restraint is what it’s all about here.

Don’t Ask Questions When You Don’t Want To Know The Answers

Just don’t. Don’t ask about who your ex is sleeping with or what she was doing with that guy at that bar. Ignorance is bliss.

Slip up, Sleep Together And You Are Doomed

Dumpers: If you dump someone and then sleep with the dumpee, it’s not going to end well. Exes always want more than just sex. They probably want to win you back because even if they know you shouldn’t be together, this whole game is about power. Don’t do it. You’ll be in a world of drama when it’s over.

Dumpees: As much as you want to sleep with your ex for whatever reason, it’s always a losing game. Again, restraint.

Focus on Yourself

Dumpers/Dumpees: You are now single. It’s time to focus on yourself and what you want. This is a liberating time. Never forget that. Breaking up is not the end of the world. There will be another relationship, another great love and another bad ending. It’s just life. We all do it and we’re all still here, aren’t we?

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