- What You Need To Know
- Learn to understand her body.
- For many women, it’s hard to communicate their sexual desires – so be patient.
- On average, it takes six to seven times longer than it would men for a woman to reach orgasm.
“So dont hesitate to let us know how much you totally worship our bodies, down to the way we taste, smell and move…“
One thing that is consistently surprising (and wonderfully so) about men is that you guys never fail to think that we look hot when we feel least sexy. We can spend loads of time getting ready to go out, and yet it’s the morning after, when our hair is invariably a mess, our mascara has migrated under our eyes and we feel like hell, that you look at us and proclaim, “You’re so sexy.” Nonetheless, when you remind us that we’re beautiful even when we may not feel like we are, it gives us a little ego boost, and that’s never a bad thing. In fact, it’s what builds our sexual self-esteem.
At Good in Bed, we refer to the fine art of worrying about sex while we’re having it as “spectatoring.” It happens just like being a spectator in a game, except we’re doing the heckling and feeling like a lousy ump. We’re criticizing every play, wondering why we aren’t on our A-game and can end up wanting to just throw the game. It can feel like we forget ourselves — and our ecstasy — in the process of getting to know a new lover. And it’s a lose-lose situation. We get caught up in our heads and don’t feel pleasure, and you are denied seeing us have fun (which we know you love). And guys, it ain’t your fault — but there are things you can do to help undo the damage.
So how does a skilled lover get his gal to take herself off the bench, get back in the game and boost her sexual self-esteem?
make it happen
Step 1: Take it from sex therapist Ian Kerner, and get cliterate. Learn about our bodies. When you know your way around our playing field, we know that you’re invested in our pleasure.
Step 2: Know what you’re dealing with. The fact is, women reach their sexual peak later in life than men. This has little to do with biology and a lot to do with psychology. For many women, it can take years to figure out not only what feels good, but also to build up the confidence to communicate our desires to our partners.
Step 3: Help us get comfortable. Women are less likely to have orgasms early in relationships, and this is because we get nervous about our bodies, we’re learning to trust you, and we just need time to adapt to a new partner.
“The vast majority of men that I’ve spoken with (and I’ve had the chance to speak to thousands of ’em) have a gung ho ‘viva la vulva’ attitude when it comes to pleasuring their partners. Guys love to see their partners get turned on — and to know that they’re the source of the pleasure. As it turns out, many women worry that guys don’t really enjoy oral pleasuring, or women worry that they’re taking too long, or that their scent might be unappealing. Many women also have a low sense of genital self-esteem and feel like their vulvas are not necessarily their most attractive feature.”
So don’t hesitate to let us know how much you totally worship our bodies, down to the way we taste, smell and move, and chances are that we’ll start to loosen up and get out of our heads and back into our bodies (and our sexual self-esteem will rise, too).
Step 4: Be patient. There’s nothing worse than a partner who bemoans our lack of orgasm every time we have sex. First, remember that just because we’re not coming doesn’t mean we’re not in the game. Nothing is more of a buzz kill than feeling pressure to have an orgasm. And if we are going to have an orgasm, keep in mind that it takes the average man around three minutes to have an orgasm, while women take around 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to do so.
Of course, at the end of the day, it’s up to us to get our own sexual self-esteem at its highest, but with a little help from our friends (that’s you, gentlemen), we can all relax and enjoy ourselves a little bit more.