Yes, it’s that time once again: The day we feature your dating and relationship questions. Although we would like to answer each one personally and with as much detail as possible, the overwhelming amount of inquiries forces us to highlight those that are most interesting to AskMen readers.
This week’s QA describes why women are attracted to bad boys. David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.
A really quick question: I met this girl and I wussed the whole thing up. In just two short months, she’s back with her old “bad boy” boyfriend, who she said paid her no attention. I smothered her with attention and was nice. So why can’t I get her back?
david d. responds
Oh, JT, you’re telling the story of my life. More specifically, the story of the “old” me, before I learned everything that I know, and now teach to other guys.
You see, for most of my life, I was the nicest of the nice guys. But after continuing along the same path — and getting the same lousy results with women — I realized something that literally changed everything for me. I realized that it’s really the “bad boys” who do, in fact, attract the hot women.
It’s basically because selfish, “jerk” behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often triggers the precise emotions in a woman necessary to make her feel irresistible attraction. Sarcasm, unpredictability, ball busting, playing hard to get, and all kinds of other “illogical” things, they succeed every time where “being nice” fails.
So, back to the “old” me.
I had a dilemma: I loved the idea of being successful with women, but I hated the idea of mistreating people, being mean to them, lying and misleading, and so on.
I mean, deep down, I want to be a good guy. So I decided that there must be a way to make this work — to attract women like a “bad boy” without being an abusive, lying jerk. And, after spending years learning from the naturals — men whose success with women seems absolutely effortless — the good news hit me.
There is a way to make this work, but it would require that I set aside my current ideas just long enough to entertain some new ones. When I learned to do this (as you must), I discovered I really could have the best of both worlds: I could be nice to women on my own terms, and also give them what they really want and what really attracts them.
You with me?
My realization was that women don’t choose who they feel attracted to. It’s something that just happens — an emotional response to certain things men say and do.
In other words, women don’t choose to feel the emotion called “attraction” for jerks any more than you choose to feel the emotion called attraction for beautiful women. Sure, some women do feel attraction for extremely handsome men, but it’s been proven that they feel a much stronger attraction to specific personality traits and behaviors than they do for physical looks.
So what is it about the “bad boy” that creates this powerful, uncontrollable attraction in women?
Let me answer first by telling you what it’s not.
It’s not that women are attracted to the abusive, mean, negative part of the “bad boy” personality. I think that these jerks just happen to also possess several associated, attractive qualities that are so powerful they literally make women blind to the abuse. Women rationalize away and excuse the abusive behavior because they want these other qualities so badly: unpredictability, uncontrollability, challenging dominance.
When presented correctly, they trigger the natural attraction mechanism inside of women. And “bad boys” have taken these natural qualities that are so attractive to women and made an art out of them.
But what does this mean to you, JT?
David D. explains how nice guys can pull off that bad boy charm next… Next Page