Wanna know something about my sex life with D. that no one else knows? (I debated even sharing this on the blog, but that?s the beauty of anonymity.)
He rarely initiates sex.
He enjoys it. He doesn?t have complaints. He never turns me down. He gets really, really into it. And he?s very sexually flirtatious with me. But he just doesn?t initiate the hook up that often.
For the past 70 days I haven?t really had to think about this because, well, we were required to have sex almost every day. But now that the challenge is coming to an end, this concern is popping up in my mind more frequently.
And today I finally brought it up with D. We got into bed early tonight and I decided that I?d wait for him to initiate things. We both know that we have to bang out the last few positions this week and I wanted him to start things up. For some reason, I needed that. I need to know that when we?re not required to have sex, he?ll take the lead…at least, sometimes.
Well, he didn?t. And how did I react? By getting really upset. Shit. I was already in an emotional state about other things and this was the straw that broke the camel?s back. Or rather, that opened the flood gates. Yep, I started crying. I don?t know what got into me!
I managed to get it out in a pretty calm, non-accusing way. (Guys haaate when a concern comes out as an accusation?they totally go on the defensive and you won?t get anywhere.)
D. didn?t act all that surprised. In fact, he said something like, ?You?re right. But it?s not because I don?t want it. I always want to have sex with you. Like, always. Even when we?re in line at Whole Foods. But I guess I could be better about showing that.?
It made me feel a lot better, but it also made me wonder if I need to back off and not initiate sex for a bit just to give him the chance to do it. What do you think?
Well, I didn?t have much of a chance to ponder that one. D. certainly decided to change his ways quickly.
Sure, it felt a little forced and unnatural since I had just told him I want him to initiate sex more. But hey, it?s a start.
Strangely, he must have also taken my concern as a request for him to be more dominating in bed. Because he ripped back the top sheet, brusquely turned me so I my butt was close to the foot of the bed, and started going down on me, as he knelt on the floor. (I have a friend who calls this ?crocodile-ing? because when the woman looks down, all she sees are the guys eyes above the surface.)
Then he stood up and entered me. I was already in a totally blissed out state so D. could have done anything he wanted and I probably still would have loved it. But he followed through with the Sexy Scissor and started spreading my legs. He only went about as wide as his shoulders, but I recommend you take the book?s suggestion and go more ?spread eagle? just to see how it feels. Next he slowly brought my legs back together. It was a little weird crossing them while he was still in me. And I actually found it more comfortable just to cross legs at the calf rather than at the thigh.
I enjoyed the legs spread apart part of the position more, especially because D. could manually stimulate me, so we spend more time in the ?open scissors?. I finished pretty quickly and when I did, I bent my legs a bit so the soles of my feet were pressed against his chest. And that?s when he came.
He?s passed out now, and I?m feeling a bit better about the whole initiation situation. But I?m still wondering if this is going to last or if we?ll fall back into our old ways. And if we did, is that really so bad? Should the sex initiating be 50/50 or is it OK if one person takes the lead usually, as long as the other person enjoys it? How does it work in your relationship?